I am another year older today.
(Heads up, this is a text-heavy post. My bad. But if you read through the entire thing you'll eventually get to an adorable surprise!)
I have to say, it's very strange that for once in my life, I started feeling my to-be age before this day came. For the past few months, every time someone asked me my age I automatically thought "23! I'm 23!" when the reality was that I had yet to hit that age. Frequently, I found myself correcting myself before I began misrepresenting myself.
Why is that though, I wonder? Perhaps it's the necessity of wanting to move past the most 2/二 (for those of you who don't get it, this link may help) stage of my life. Perhaps it's wanting to be less foolish, less stupid, less idiotic. Perhaps it's being in this real world and trying to fit in. Perhaps it's having a job and having to grow up. Perhaps it's a combination of all these and more. Whatever it is, I have been feeling this age for a while now, so I don't feel too sad that I'm yet another year older today. (Hell, I adore birthdays, so it's pretty hard for me to feel truly sad about the whole aging thing during my birthday week... Ask me again how I feel next week though.)
As I am finishing off my 23rd year on earth, I have to admit one thing... Damn, I'm old. Yes, yes I am well aware that I'm still in the infancy of my life, but when you have a brother who's almost 11 years younger than you, it's very difficult to feel young. My 13-year-old self, like many kids on the streets these days, certainly would've called me "auntie" if she'd met me (ouch). Maybe it would've just been me trying to be polite, but it still doesn't soften the oh-crap-I'm-old blow in any way. Certainly the 13-year-old Carolyn would have expected to have her life all figured out at this point... Nope, not happenin'. When you're a kid, you dream of a wonderful future where everything is figured out and that when you're an adult, like all adults, you'll know what you're doing. As you grow older however, things aren't so simple. Choices begin bombarding you. Do I want to take more science and math classes in high school? Do I choose college A or college B? Do I want to be an engineer or an English major? Do I want to go to grad school/med school/law school or go into the workforce? Do I want to live in the US/HK/China/Europe? Making decisions has never been my strong point, and I definitely struggled through all of mine before making them. Happy to say though, I have yet to seriously regret a big life-decision that I've made so far. So props to the younger versions of me for being so astute. Hopefully, my coming life-decisions will go the same way, with no major disappointments or regrets.
Throughout this 23-year journey, I am so very lucky to have met all these wonderful people in my life. Yes, that will likely be you, who is reading this sloppily-written blogpost right now (sorry about that!). I'm thankful for having my family for always wanting what's best for me, supporting me, and giving me great advice through it all. I'm thankful for the friends/teachers/coworkers who have known me throughout so many years, whether it's from birth, my early infancy, my kindergarten years, my elementary/primary school years, my secondary school years, my high/boarding school years, my college years, my internships, my first real job, my studying abroad experiences, or just randomly here and there. Thanks for giving me advice (however good or bad), for those late night conversations, for watching those sunrises/sunsets with me, for telling me about all your troubles, for worrying about me, for taking care of me when I was sick, for travelling the world with me, for tolerating my messiness, for letting me borrow your homework to check my answers, for letting me crash with you in your tiny rooms, for feeding me, for dealing with my laziness, for putting up with my neediness at times, for not judging me too harshly for the things I say, for pushing me, for being accepting of my stubbornness, for making me laugh, for making me cry, for trusting me, for loving me and all my little quirks, et cetera et cetera; thanks for everything. I'm very grateful that I got to know you all, and that you have all made an impact, however big or small, on my life.
As I am considering my future with all its possibilities and opportunities, and as I'm moving on towards more confusion and frightening life-decisions that need to be made, I take comfort in knowing that you will be there for me, and that no matter what I do, there will always be someone who is supportive and willing to help when I need it. Words honestly cannot express how much you all mean to me, how much I love you all, and how so incredibly, insanely, inconceivably happy you all make me. Without you, I would not have had so much fun in these past 23 years. Without you, I would not have been able to power through all my life's ups and downs. Without you, I would not feel so safe even in the face of that uncharted territory that is my future. Without you, I would not be me. So thank you, my family and friends, for putting up with me. I honestly do appreciate it.
23. Finally I am moving past the doubled 2-ness. The beginning of my year 24 on earth sounds super exciting and full of possibilities, and I hope you'll stick around to witness it.
(Heads up, this is a text-heavy post. My bad. But if you read through the entire thing you'll eventually get to an adorable surprise!)
I have to say, it's very strange that for once in my life, I started feeling my to-be age before this day came. For the past few months, every time someone asked me my age I automatically thought "23! I'm 23!" when the reality was that I had yet to hit that age. Frequently, I found myself correcting myself before I began misrepresenting myself.
Why is that though, I wonder? Perhaps it's the necessity of wanting to move past the most 2/二 (for those of you who don't get it, this link may help) stage of my life. Perhaps it's wanting to be less foolish, less stupid, less idiotic. Perhaps it's being in this real world and trying to fit in. Perhaps it's having a job and having to grow up. Perhaps it's a combination of all these and more. Whatever it is, I have been feeling this age for a while now, so I don't feel too sad that I'm yet another year older today. (Hell, I adore birthdays, so it's pretty hard for me to feel truly sad about the whole aging thing during my birthday week... Ask me again how I feel next week though.)
As I am finishing off my 23rd year on earth, I have to admit one thing... Damn, I'm old. Yes, yes I am well aware that I'm still in the infancy of my life, but when you have a brother who's almost 11 years younger than you, it's very difficult to feel young. My 13-year-old self, like many kids on the streets these days, certainly would've called me "auntie" if she'd met me (ouch). Maybe it would've just been me trying to be polite, but it still doesn't soften the oh-crap-I'm-old blow in any way. Certainly the 13-year-old Carolyn would have expected to have her life all figured out at this point... Nope, not happenin'. When you're a kid, you dream of a wonderful future where everything is figured out and that when you're an adult, like all adults, you'll know what you're doing. As you grow older however, things aren't so simple. Choices begin bombarding you. Do I want to take more science and math classes in high school? Do I choose college A or college B? Do I want to be an engineer or an English major? Do I want to go to grad school/med school/law school or go into the workforce? Do I want to live in the US/HK/China/Europe? Making decisions has never been my strong point, and I definitely struggled through all of mine before making them. Happy to say though, I have yet to seriously regret a big life-decision that I've made so far. So props to the younger versions of me for being so astute. Hopefully, my coming life-decisions will go the same way, with no major disappointments or regrets.
Throughout this 23-year journey, I am so very lucky to have met all these wonderful people in my life. Yes, that will likely be you, who is reading this sloppily-written blogpost right now (sorry about that!). I'm thankful for having my family for always wanting what's best for me, supporting me, and giving me great advice through it all. I'm thankful for the friends/teachers/coworkers who have known me throughout so many years, whether it's from birth, my early infancy, my kindergarten years, my elementary/primary school years, my secondary school years, my high/boarding school years, my college years, my internships, my first real job, my studying abroad experiences, or just randomly here and there. Thanks for giving me advice (however good or bad), for those late night conversations, for watching those sunrises/sunsets with me, for telling me about all your troubles, for worrying about me, for taking care of me when I was sick, for travelling the world with me, for tolerating my messiness, for letting me borrow your homework to check my answers, for letting me crash with you in your tiny rooms, for feeding me, for dealing with my laziness, for putting up with my neediness at times, for not judging me too harshly for the things I say, for pushing me, for being accepting of my stubbornness, for making me laugh, for making me cry, for trusting me, for loving me and all my little quirks, et cetera et cetera; thanks for everything. I'm very grateful that I got to know you all, and that you have all made an impact, however big or small, on my life.
As I am considering my future with all its possibilities and opportunities, and as I'm moving on towards more confusion and frightening life-decisions that need to be made, I take comfort in knowing that you will be there for me, and that no matter what I do, there will always be someone who is supportive and willing to help when I need it. Words honestly cannot express how much you all mean to me, how much I love you all, and how so incredibly, insanely, inconceivably happy you all make me. Without you, I would not have had so much fun in these past 23 years. Without you, I would not have been able to power through all my life's ups and downs. Without you, I would not feel so safe even in the face of that uncharted territory that is my future. Without you, I would not be me. So thank you, my family and friends, for putting up with me. I honestly do appreciate it.
23. Finally I am moving past the doubled 2-ness. The beginning of my year 24 on earth sounds super exciting and full of possibilities, and I hope you'll stick around to witness it.
A terribly photoshopped picture of mini-me with Donatello wearing birthday hats at some rando's birthday party 20+ years ago? Yes please.
No comments:
Post a Comment